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[reppy]

Here's a couple of my more favorite quotes .. Maybe one day I'll buckle down and let you guys read some of my more infamous ones (just ask Z!). But until then, enjoy these:

"I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks." - Jack Handey

"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast." - Jack Handey

"I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better." - Jack Handey

"I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me." - Jack Handey

"The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you." - Jack Handey

"Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like." - Jack Handey

"Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling." - Jack Handey

"When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy." - Jack Handey

"Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet." - Jack Handey

"Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you." - Jack Handey

"The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people." - Jack Handey

"I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system." - Jack Handey

"Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition." - Jack Handey

"I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye." - Jack Handey

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other." - Jack Handey

"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me." - Jack Handey

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." - Jack Handey

"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them." - Jack Handey

"The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?" - Jack Handey

"A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke." - Jack Handey

"I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on." - Jack Handey

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'
Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven Wright



Mitch Hedberg Quotes:

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load !@#$ into a truck.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a !@#$, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera...

...Every time I go and shave I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say "I'm gonna go shave too"

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too...I tried to taste it, but it did not work...

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say, "Mitch, how do I get ahold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough"

I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, "F--- that, I'll just make a copy."

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "S---, I had to be somewhere..."

My friend said to me "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No man, perhaps it is not the weather that is trippy, it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy..." then I thought, man, I should have just said, 'yeah...'

I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again" because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I though I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that...day.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah, reminds me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two, Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, what happened to the Dufranes. No one seems to give a !@#$. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You !@#$ are selfish....the Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct take over their mouths, and they're hungry. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufranes.






Alright. I went a little overboard. Lots of funny quotes there. Feel free to add your own to the list!

[K.T. Takahashi]

man mitch hedberg is halarious there was this one thing when he was talkin about he bought a donut and they gave him a recipt as if he would need to prove later on that he bought the donut

[bigDee]

What do you call a dear with no eyes?!

I have no idear.

[TheEmerald]

wow soo many to read too me a while to read them all lol
heres a joke i saw some days ago on tv

so there is a old man and lady in this retirement home and the man says TODAYS MY BIRTHDAY! i bet you cant guess how old i am! and the lady says i bet i can drop ur pants and watch. so the man drops his pants and the lady starts messin arround down there..and then she yells 94! your 94! and the mas goes How the heck did you know!? and the lady ses you told me last night

lol get it? lol

[GrungeHamster389]

"The difference between a caprice and a lifelong passion is that the caprice lasts just a little longer."

from The Picture of Dorian Gray... perhaps I'll post some more Wilde bits when I find the time/motivation. Oh, yes, and one more which I can't quite remember, but I'll try:

"Wickedness is a notion invented by the good to describe those who are unusually attractive."

think about it for a while. It'll start to make sense... After all, why is it that there is always at least one person who has an obsession with a villain of any sort? Sesshoumaru, Legato Bluesummers, Vicious...

(yay for aestheticism!!)

[Saitou_Hajime]